


"All I care about is how you feel"

by Thelampjoke



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Comforting, Crying, Description of depression/anxiety, Embarrassed Alec Lightwood, Embarrassed Magnus Bane, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hugging, Implied Sexual Content, Insecure Magnus Bane, M/M, Magnus doesn't deserve any of this, Malec Angst, Malec Fluff, Pool table may be involved, Season 3, Uncomfotable silence, Understanding Alec Lightwood, based on trailer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2019-01-21 13:23:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12458676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thelampjoke/pseuds/Thelampjoke
Summary: Based on the 2 seconds of Malec we got in the trailer... And the day after





	1. "You are not alone"

**Author's Note:**

> I woke up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare, I tried to calm myself down by thinking of Malec and the idea just popped up in my head. 
> 
> Warning: This fic won't contribute anything to your life, it won't help you survive the hiatus and it won't make the world a better place. Also this is my first fic... So there's that.
> 
> But I hope you enjoy it anyways :)

Alec sat in his office. It was one of his rare night offs. Normally he would've loved an evening like this, he would've gone home and, for once, have nice and quiet dinner with his boyfriend without interruptions. But Magnus had been ignoring him for the past week. Well, they had talked over the phone almost every day, but their conversationS often contained the same dialogue. Alec would say that he's finished for the night and ask if he should come over. Every time Magnus hesitated before answering that he was busy and apologizing. At first Alec believed him, telling him not to worry about it. But on Friday he found out, from Catarina, that Magnus was about to lose his position as High Warlock, and things started to fall into place. He didn't want to confront him over the phone, but he also knew he couldn't wait forever. Because knowing Magnus, he would most likely postpone it for long as possible.

Suddenly his phone buzzed and for a millisecond he thought there was hope for that it could be Magnus. Izzy, it read. A little disappointed, he unlocked his phone to read the message.

“Meet me at Hunter’s Moon in an hour”

“Why?”

“There has been a smaller demon attack just outside”

“Are you okay? Should I be worried?”

“Yeah yeah, we’re fine… just come over here”

“It seems urgent to me. Are you sure you don’t want me to bring backup?”

“It IS urgent, but you need to hurry, not worry”

“What’s going on, Iz?”

“Stop asking questions and get your ass down here!”

“Wow, relax would ya? And besides, doesn’t it close at 11 on Sundays?

“Maia gave me an extra key so I could close the bar whenever we leave”

“Fine”

Half an hour later he left the Institute, making sure everything was under control before he left. The clock showed 22:37. He really didn’t need to do this, he realized. It was his night off, for once. Being the Head of the institute he had less vacation days to spend than the rest of the shadowhunters. And because Alec is who he is, unfortunately this makes him feel like he needs to work extra hard to please the Clave and gain their trust. It wasn’t fair, if you thought about it. But Alec choose not to think about it.

He arrived about 5 minutes after said time. It looked kind of dead outside the bar. Meaning there were no signs of a demon attack, anywhere. He tried to look through the window to see if he could spot his sister. But he could barely see anything. The only lamp that shone was the one above the pool table. That’s when he spotted a gestalt leaning over the counter, facing their back to Alec. The head disappeared behind the light and because the person stood behind the board it was harder to tell who it was even as he went inside. The bell attached to the door made a clinking noise as he went through and even though he couldn’t see who it was he could tell that whoever stood there turned around at the sound and sighed. He immediately ruled out Izzy because she wasn’t tall enough to get covered by the lamp. He assumed it was a male the closer he got because of the broad shoulders he noticed in the dim light. 

“Jace.” He thought and mentally prepared himself for whatever comment he would make about Alec not showing up on time. He was not prepared for what was going to happen when he turned around the table.

“Magnus?”

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Magnus had just poured a glass of whiskey in a glass and settled on his couch on the balcony. The last few days he ended up just like this. Looking over the sky, letting his mind wander off to dark places. 

He didn’t like feeling vulnerable, especially not in front of other people. He had no problem talking about his feelings, that’s not it. It’s the feeling of being insecure that bothered him and no matter how much he tried to fight it off, it always creeped around him whenever he got time to himself. These insecurities also came with a lot of fear. Fear of letting people down, of loneliness, fear of being let down. By others but most of all by himself.

He couldn’t blame them, to be honest. He had sided with the Seelie Queen, after all. People had right to not trust him, he thought. He felt so stupid, embarrassed, angry that he of all people was fooled enough to believe whatever lie the Queen convinced him with. Because now, he had to sit there, every night for the past week, and wait for the other warlocks to decide whether he got to keep his title or not. And from the brief meetings he had with some of them, things didn’t seem to lighten for him.

He knew he should talk to someone about it. Some people actually had tried. Catalina called him once, asking him how he was doing. He summarized the what was happening and she told him not to worry about it and he a little better. 

But knew, he knew damn well that he should tell Alec. He understood that keeping something like this would turn out good in the end. But it was something that stopped him every time he thought about calling him. Every time Alec told him he was done with work, Magnus always came up with an excuse, most of the time saying a client held him busy or that he had a meeting with the High Warlock of Copenhagen or something. And every time Alec said he understood and told him not to feel bad. That it was okay. 

“Oh, Alec.” He thought to himself. His heart ached whenever he thought about how compassionate Alec was. He tried so hard to make sure Magnus felt at ease. He always sounded so tender when they talked, even though Magnus had noticed the previous evening how his boyfriend’s voice hid a tiny hint of irritation and concern. He knew he couldn’t keep this act up for long. Eventually he had to face him. He knew Alec would be mad at him for lying. And maybe that was the reason he hadn’t told him yet. His fears played a part in this, of course. He didn’t want to let Alec down, and to think that he eventually had to made him more anxious than he thought he would be.

His thoughts were interrupted by the ring tone of his phone. He jumped a little at the sudden noise. Izzy, it read on the display. He tensed for a second, he immediately thought something bad had happened.  
“Hello?” He asked carefully, preparing himself for whatever caused her to call him.

“You sound so worked up. Chill, nothing bad has happened.” She said with a slight mocking tone.

He breathed out. ”What do you expect me to believe, Isabelle. Why should I not worry when my second favorite Lightwood calls me at half past ten? You know nothing good happens after 10pm.” He teased.

“First of all, you say 2am. Not ten. And Simon has passed out at Hunter’s Moon. Maia is about to close and he is heavier than I thought. I was just calling to ask if you could come here and portal him back to your place. Raphael refused to take him to the Dumort’s. 

“Second choice, I see” Is all he answers. He didn’t feel like leaving the loft tonight.

“Very funny, Magnus. look could you please do it? I don’t want to leave him alone when he’s drunk on plasma. You know what happened last time.” She begged.

Magnus sighed. “Fine, but he owes me one.” He finally agrees.

“I make sure to put a note in his pocket saying just that.” She laughed.

“Mhm.” He answered and hung up. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Uhm, Izzy told me…” Alec started.

“Yeah well, clearly she fooled us both.” He answered, he felt embarrassed. This whole situation was wrong. How could he had let this kind of behavior go this far?

There was an uncomfortable silence until Alec cleared his throat.

“Wow, things must be really bad.” Alec finally stated.

“What do you mean?”

“No… it’s just…” He rubbed the back of his head, feeling uncomfortable. “Well, if Izzy has to trick us into seeing each other…” He cringed at that. “I-I know I’m not that experienced but I’m pretty sure that’s not how this…” He gestured between the two of them. “...works”

Magnus snorted quietly and gave a tense smile. “Ironic isn’t it. Shall we play?” He asked as he turned towards the pool table and started to organize the balls, as if nothing happened. And to be fair, it hadn’t. Yet.

Alec immediately recognized the tone in his voice. It was the same one he used to have after the body switching with Valentine. The difference was that he now knows what’s bothering his him. 

“Do you really think that’s the reason she sent us here?” He asked skeptically.

Magnus finished organizing the balls and went to pick up a cue for his confused partner. “No. But I also thought the reason I’m here was to pick up some drunken vampire.” He handed over the stick in a quick motion. “ And she clearly gave you an invalid reason too.” He turned to the table and bent town, finally looking Alec in the eye. “So why not start here?” He finished, striking the cue ball. 

So they started to play. Striking ball after ball. All in silence. They continued this for a while, and finished the game. But when Magnus started to rearrange the balls again. Alec finally had enough.

“Magnus, we need to talk.” He knew how it sounded. But there was no other way he knew that would make Magnus talk to him.

Magnus closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I know.” He answered regretfully. He knew Alec would ask him what was going on with him. He also knew he had to tell him the truth this time.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Alec asked instead.

Magnus’ eyes widened a bit. This was not what he expected. “Uhm… You… Know?” He questioned.

“You seriously expect me not to find out that my boyfriend may be losing his position?” The hunter shot back rather harsh. “How could you keep something like this from me?”

He sounded disappointed. Great. 

“Like you tell me everything.” He spat out.

Alec inhaled at the response. “No. Magnus that’s not fair. Magnus you can not use that as an excuse for this.”

“I can’t?” He asked sarcastically as in ‘watch me’.

“Oh, you’re saying you’re still ‘punishing’ for not telling you about the Soul Sword? That’s what this is about?” Alec was getting frustrated. Magnus gave him an unimpressed look. He didn’t know how many times he apologized for that. He couldn’t expect Magnus to forgive him. He knew that. But he was not going to tolerate his boyfriend struggling on his own because of something Alec had done. “That’s why you sided with the Queen? To punish me?” He knew he wasn’t playing fair. But then, neither was Magnus.

That seemed to do the trick. Magnus turned his head to the side, closing his eyes.

“Stop” He demanded himself in his head but it was to no use. God, none of this was right. None of this was true. None of this was happening. The tears felt like fire as they strolled down his cheek. 

He stood there for a moment. Eyes closed, tears welling down his face. Just when he was about to open them he felt it.

Something strong wrapped itself around him. The familiar scent of his boyfriend reached his senses. He felt surprised for a moment. He knew they weren’t done talking about this, far from. Magnus felt so small compared to the world, so powerless, He did not like feeling like this, vulnerable. But he didn’t care anymore. He couldn’t care anymore. All he could see when he opened his water-filled eyes was a shoulder and he leaned down to rest his head on it. Letting himself fall into his boyfriend’s embrace. 

“Magnus...” A soft voice said. 

And Magnus broke down. Everything he had kept to himself the past week, any thought he had built up inside him, he let it all out. He didn’t want to pretend, he couldn’t anymore. Magnus was tired, tired of every concern, fear or thought that constantly went through his head. He felt anger. Angry at the world, at the stupid warlocks that took so long to make a decision, at Izzy for tricking him into coming down here. He was sad. Sad because he was about to lose his job, sad because he felt like he didn’t deserve this warm-hearted being in front of him, because he felt like he had let everybody, including himself, down.

“I’m sorry” Magnus said. ‘For everything’ he wanted to add, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

Alec leaned the side of his head next to his boyfriend’s. “...You shouldn’t be dealing with this on your own. Not when you have people around who are willing to help you. To take care of you.” His voice was more calm now. Alec realized that this has been hurting Magnus and for him to be upset with him right now would only make it worse.

“I…-” Magnus tried to disagree.

“Don’t.” Alec interrupted. “I’m will always take care of you, no matter what.”

The warlock sighed. “Alexander-”

“No.” Alec’s heart ached for his Magnus when he heard the ‘I’m fine but deep inside I’m really not’ tone in his voice. “Don’t tell me you’re fine. That you can handle this on your own. That I don’t have to do this.”

“But y-”

“Because I do.” He knew he should let Magnus talk, that’s what he had wanted after all. But he needed to say this. “I want to. And you don’t have to like it, I can understand that. I would have felt the same way... But you have to let me, Magnus.” He whispered in his ear, tightening his grip around Magnus.

Magnus didn’t answer. He didn’t have to. The arms that wrapped themselves around Alec proved that he had accepted it. They stood like this for a couple of minutes, embracing each other. No words were exchanged. You could really feel the love in the air.

“I didn’t want to bother you. And I knew that if I told you, you’d want me to talk about it.” Magnus said.

“Magnus I-” 

“Just... let me… okay?” He interrupted. Alec had let go of him but held him by his hips, Magnus did the same. “Believe it or not but I also have insecurities, just like everyone else. And I can’t explain it, but somehow I was afraid that everyone would be disappointed in me.”

Alec’s eyes widened in realization. “This is more than just about a title, isn’t it?”

Magnus sighed. This was exactly what he was afraid of. Now he would have to talk about his feelings, things he had kept inside him for so long. And, even though he tried not to think that thought, something in his mind told him that it would be too much for Alec, that he couldn’t deal with all of this, that Magnus would become too much.

As if Alec could read his thoughts he continued “Tell me” It wasn’t demanding, more like he was begging. “Please,” He added. “I want to know.” He reassured him.  
Magnus hesitated for a second. He trusted Alec with his life. And they had both agreed on after Valentine’s death that the most important aspects of their relationship were communication and honesty. So if Alec said that he wanted to know, he meant it.

“People were starting to think I wasn’t not good enough. Because that’s what it is, isn’t it? I’m not good enough to wear that title. People don’t trust me and my abilities. I’ll get left behind, they’ll forget about me, and I’ll be on my own…” He tried not to utter the last word. It would give the entire situation a whole new meaning. And the last thing he could handle right now was for someone to roll his eyes for ‘living in the past’. But then again, he trusted Alec. “...Again.” He finished.

Alec felt like crying, Magnus had to deal with this all on his own. He wanted to find those warlocks and beat the crap out of them for making hi boyfriend suffer like this, having these thoughts, reminding him of the past. He pulled Magnus into him again. “Magnus, you are not alone.” He kissed the side of his head above his ear. “I can’t do anything about the other warlocks without breaking the Accords,Though, if you want me to I would do it anyway. But I promise you, that whatever happens, no matter what, you have people around you who care and love you. We’re here. I’m here.”

Magnus sobbed quietly. “Why are you doing this? All I’ve done to you this week is to lie and not wanting to see you. Why are you still here? With me?”

Alec pulled away from Magnus, he wanted to laugh. He doesn’t think he had ever heard anything so stupid in his entire life. not even Jace could be compared to this stupidity. But he couldn’t. Because all he saw was this wonderful, amazing, caring, generous, loving, beautiful man whom he loved and and made him feel lovable. A feeling he never thought would occur to him. And now, he was going to make Magnus feel the same way. And he wouldn’t leave this world before he did that.

“Magnus, why would you even think that?” He placed his hands around Magnus’ neck. “All I care about is how you feel.” He leaned down to kiss him on the forehead. “That’s all that matters right now.” A kiss on the nose. “I love you.” A kiss on the lips.

Magnus chuckled at the gesture and pulled his boyfriend back to him. It was so lame, but he couldn’t love it more. They continued to kiss until they broke apart in desperate need for air.

“How did you find out?” Magnus asked after a while, looking into those lovely hazel eyes he could drown in.

“Catarina.” He explained. “She called me on Friday, asking how you were doing. She told me she had called you once but didn’t want to bother you so she called me instead. I asked her what was going on…” He trailed off. “And yeah, she told me.”

“Of course.” Magnus chuckled. “I forgot that you two were besties.” He rolled his eyes and put his hands up in defense. “Just don’t forget who introduced the two of you. Your social skills don’t deserve that much credit.” He teased.  
“Are you saying I can’t make friends on my own?” He played along. “I befriended you didn’t I?” 

“Yeah, that’s right. We’re friends.” He said sarcastically while giving Alec an unimpressed look. 

“It’s true.” He smirked.

“You sure?” Magnus asked as he stepped closer to him, placing his hands on Alec’s shoulder, and ever so slowly starting to roam his hands down his chest.

Alec sucked in a breath, something had changed. Suddenly he felt extremely hot and he could really feel the blood running through his veins.

“I… uhm...” He stuttered, voice deep. Magnus shuttered at that. “I would…” Alec cleared his throat as the wandering hands settled at his hips, teasing at the hem of his shirt. “... Say that we are pretty close, yes.”

“Pretty close?” He asked in a seductive tone.

“Magnus-” Alec pleaded.

“Tell me, Alexander,” He stepped even closer. “How much more closer do we need to get?” He whispered, now pressing fully against Alec.

Alec closed his eyes and swallowed, holding back a moan. He could really feel every part of Magnus on him. He opened his eyes expecting to find the warlock staring at him, but was met by one side of his head as his front was facing the billiard board with a rather tense expression. Just when he was about to ask what was going on Magnus turned to look at him, his tense expression now gone and had now a more determined look on his face.

“Wanna do it on the pool table?” He said hastily and dropped his glamour.

“Wha-” Was all Alec managed to say before he was pushed down on the red counter, hitting his head in the fall. He was still in shock and therefore barely noticed the sting. He didn’t have time to think about it either as the warlock climbed on top of him and dove in for a hungry kiss.


	2. Happy

The next day Alec returned to the Institute quite early. He met Izzy in the hallway.

“So…” She gave him a knowing look.

“So, what?” Alec answered.

She rolled her eyes. “How did it go?” Did you guys talk?” She clarified

“Talk abo- Oh,” He realized what she meant. “Uh, yeah. We did.”

“I assume it went well?” There was no teasing in her voice.

Alec gave his sister a confused look. “Why would you think that?”

Izzy chuckled. “Well, first of all, you’re not completely devastated, which I take as good news.”

Alec nodded. “Fair enough.”

“And second of all,” she continued. “You didn’t come home last night. Which means you probably went back to the loft.”

Alec said nothing. HIs face turning read. “I uh, I mean…” He started blushing and rubbed the back of his head. “Ah” He winced, head still hurting a bit.

“Relax, big brother. I’m not implying anything.” She laughed, not noticing his little yelp. “I can say that you guys went home without meaning you had sex.” She stated.

He just looked away, trying to look nonchalant.

She gave him a confused look opening her mouth in surprise as her eyes widened. “Unless…” She dragged it out as Alec crossed his arms. “Unless you never actually left…”

Alec cleared his throat and started to walk away. Izzy caught up with him and tried to stop him. He didn’t.

“Oh my God, you didn’t!” She exclaimed, starting to friendly punch his arm. “That’s why you’re back so early!”

“Keep it down, Iz.” Was all he answered, as people started to look at their direction.

“Tell me!” She demanded.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” It really wasn’t. Well, nothing his sister had to hear, at least.

“Come on! Don’t give me that again.” She whined. “Stop being such a baby and tell me you had sex.”

“Who had sex?” Jace asked as he joined them from behind.

“Oh, great” Alec thought.

“Alec, obviously but he refuses to admit it.” She rolled her eyes. Alec did the same.

“Ah, yeah well I figured out that much” He sighed and turned to Alec, who started to walk away again.

“Alec, I'm gonna find out somehow!” She threatened.

“I’d love to see you try.” He shot back as he walked into his office.

“Okay, then.” She searched around the room before dragging out a chair behind the door. “Sit.”

Alec just stood there, he looked from Izzy to the chair and back to her before glancing at Jace, who wore a puzzled expression. He didn’t seem to know what she was getting at. She couldn’t blame him though. He didn’t need to deal with this as often. Or ever, actually. 

“What?” Alec asked instead, trying to sound like he didn’t know she was referring to.

“I’m trying, like you said. Sit.” She patted the furniture in front of her.

Alec looked down at the stool and hesitated. “No…” He mumbled.

“What was that?” She countered.

“I don’t want to.” He shrugged his shoulder, trying acting cool.

That’s when Jace started to laugh. He got it now.

“Finally.” Izzy murmured.

“I won’t do it Izzy, now get out. Both of you.” He shoved them out of his office, closing the door. He could hear them laughing, loud. 

“I knew it.” He heard Izzy say. 

He sat down at his desk and pulled out his phone, about to send a text to Magnus.

[8.01 a.m] I hate you (but not really)

The phone buzzed again a few minutes later.

[8.05 a.m] Who doesn’t?

[8.05 a.m] Did something happen?

[8.06 a.m] No, it’s just my siblings… they’re just giving me a hard time

He hesitated before continuing. 

[8.06 a.m] About last night

[8.07 a.m] Haha you told them? You know that’s on you right? Don’t come here and blame me xD

[8.09 a.m] I didn’t! Izzy figured it all out

[8.09 a.m] How come?

[8.11 a.m] Ugh I don’t know she asked me to sit on a chair…

[8.11 a.m] …

[8.12 a.m] Magnus?

[8.13 a.m] …

[8.13 a.m] Magnus I can hear you laughing 

[8.14 a.m] How can I not? It’s so adorable! 

[8.16 a.m] STOP IT! it’s not funny :(

[8.17 a.m] My apologies, Alexander. How rude of me, I should ask how you’re doing. Does it hurt?

[8.17 a.m] Okay now you’re just making fun of me 

[8.18 a.m] But okay, you’re right…

[8.19 a.m] Thank you

[8.22 a.m] It’s not fair that I let you take the hit for it

[8.22 a.m] Magnus… 

[8.24 a.m] I can’t just ruin you this way

[8.24 a.m] Stop

[8.25 a.m] Would it feel better if it were on me instead?

[8.26 a.m] You’re the worst!

[8.26 a.m] Oh, come on honey. Admit it, it’s a little hilarious

[8.28 a.m] Maybe for you. 

[8.28 a.m] And besides, it is all your fault. You and your seduction skills

[8.30 a.m] Hey! from what I recall you seemed to enjoy it. Very much... In fact you couldn’t seem to get enough of my incredible skills

[8.31 a.m] You make it sound like you’re sooo amazing

[8.33 a.m] Well, then tell me. How many people have been better than me? 

[8.34 a.m] Are you making fun of my innocence?

[8.35 a.m a.m] Are you making fun my awesomeness?

[8.36 a.m] Touché

[8.36 a.m] I’m all for that

[8.38 a.m]You’re unbelievable 

[8.40 a.m] But you still love me

[8.40 a.m] I do, I really do

[8.40 a.m] Love you too, Angel

He didn’t receive anything more after that. So he got back to work. The pile of paperwork almost made him claustrophobic, but he had to do it. And that’s how he spend the rest of the day. Clary walked by once, Izzy had sent her to bring him some food. He had smiled and said ‘thank you’. Clary had grown on him, he could admit that much. But Alec still refused to refer her anything else than ‘my brother’s girlfriend’. Even though he mostly did it because it would annoy Clary.

It was dark outside when his phone rang. He smiled when he saw Magnus’ name on the display.

“Hi!” He beamed.

“Hello to you too. How’s work?”

“It’s good. I’m done actually, just finished my duties for the day, so according to the rules I’m free to go.”

“Oh.” Was all Magnus answered.

Alec hesitated. “Or I mean… I don’t have to… I just thought... “ He trailed off. 

“Of course I want you here, Alexander.” He reassured him. “I was just surprised that you finished so early. I wanted to cook for you. Now I don’t know if I have time for that. It was going to be a surprise. I’m still out of, let’s see… Tomatoes, parsley, red wine…” He mumbled, apparently searching his kitchen for food.

A warm feeling spread through Alec as he listened to his boyfriend’s half stressed tone. He loved this man so much. More than he ever thought he could, than he thought he was allowed to. And he let himself believe that Magnus loved him just as much, even if that thought scared him. But he knew that Magnus probably felt the same way, and Alec wants Magnus to understand how much Alec loves him. So he lets himself feel love spreading inside him, he lets himself receive love from his boyfriend and he allows himself to smile as he walks out of the institute. He allows himself to be happy as he walks down the streets of New York. Because he is. 

For once, Alec Lightwood is happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it's done. I feel kinda sad, I really enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this!


End file.
